Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
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