her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
