if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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