My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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