I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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