Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
