Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
