I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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