I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
