yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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