I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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