I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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