I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
