i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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