Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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