The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
