hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
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He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i think my cat just said my name.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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