he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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