thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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