someone get that fucking seahorse.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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