This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
