She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
