I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
