I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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