What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
