I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
