i need an iv and a liver transplant
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
