Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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