Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
