so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
