I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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