I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
