my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
