Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
