If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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