Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
