Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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