Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My balls are so social today.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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