woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
