I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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