smell my finger.
it's like iHOP with fire
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
