Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
