I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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