Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
