I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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