god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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