hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
