Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
