I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
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No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
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The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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