I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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