Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
