I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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