I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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