Whod you bang
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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