My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.