Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM