So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
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repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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