I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video