Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
